Growing up, I never really had an urgent need to one day be a mom. I was always very career focused and had a terrible habit of “bringing home strays” as my mom used to say when describing old boyfriends… BUT little did I know God was just preparing me for the man of my dreams! I will always believe He allowed me to go through those old relationships so that I would be able to truly appreciate your Daddy and I did, with all of my heart! Shortly after we were married, we knew we wanted a baby… unfortunately I had been told by many doctors in the past that children were not an option for me but never the less, the desire in my heart would not all me to give up. We found an incredibly knowledgeable man named Charlie Campbell from Specialized Nutrition that believed with all natural supplemtents and a very strict diet he could help us get pregnant. I could not wait to get started on this incredible journey! Fast forward 6 months later, and a couple days late, I decide to take a pregnancy test. Something just didn’t feel quite “right”… I literally could not read the results for tears pouring from my eyes!!!!!! Was it true?? Could it be?? But what about what the Doctors said?? Oh sweet Jesus in heaven, please let this be real!! Hours later, 7 panic attacks, giving my father a mild heart attack, and making him read over and over the EPT insert to make sure I had read it correctly, I decided to get myself together, get dressed and get to work… just like any other day!
I want to say I was about 4 hours into my work day, applying color to a clients hair when it hit me, like REALLY hit me! This intense feeling came over my body and I knew from that moment on, my life would never be the same again. I rushed out of work, ran by the 1st store I could find to buy a onesy, because what other cheesy way was I possibly going to tell my husband of the big news?! It was PRICELESS… his eyes lit up, this massive grin came over his face and I swear I fell in love with him all over again. All he had ever wanted was to be a Daddy and finally, him at 35 and me at 29, it was really about to happen!
Ohhhhh HELLO pregnancy! So many emotions for one little lady to deal with. I cried, like a lot when I was pregnant with you. Gaining so much weight was miserable but I just could not stop eating bacon.. and you could see it all over my body! I wanted to meet you so badly (and selfishly I wanted to shrink down a little in size). I thought of what you would look like and what your future might hold, and I prayed for you every day while you were in my belly. Once you started moving and kicking and hiccuping (oh belly hiccups are the greatest) I swore I would never love anything as much as I already loved you. Every single night I would lay in bed and read to your Daddy anything and EVERYTHING about pregnancy… I had this desire to learn all that I could about bringing you into this world the way God intended! You know, outside of a hospital, with no medication, in a warm tub, with Ray LaMontagne softly playing in the background and some lady standing over us taking beautiful pictures as our baby makes her way into the world ….
So, being the person I am, I was determined we would use a midwife and have a natural waterbirth outside of the hospital! Let’s just say, you have been head strong and a bit of a rule breaker since before you were even born! Not only did you decide to do a few flips and land breech, but with one foot stuck in the birth canal and your head caught painfully under two of my ribs, even a specialist refused to try to turn you so the Doctor broke the news that early the next morning, we would be having a planned C-Section.
The day you came into the world was the day that changed my life forever. You made me a mom. It wasn’t all butterflies and roses at first.. I was terrified, my plans were crushed, I had no idea who the Doctor was delivering my baby, my husband had this strange shade of green going on and I was itching to death! I was holding back the tears just waiting for it to all be over and I could finally hear that sweet cry and hold my baby (especially since I was very clear that I expected immediate skin to skin with my new baby because that’s exactly what the baby books said to do… insert laugh here) well, I felt it.. I felt the pressure, then the pressure was gone, then my husband was gone, but no crying… no one handed me a baby.. no one said anything. I immediately panicked, I wanted to see my baby and hear my baby and touch my baby but all I could hear were muffled words of nurses running around and I cried for someone to please answer me. Finally, what seemed like hours, nurse came over to inform me that you were not breathing and they were taking you to NICU and I would get an update shortly. I will never be able to explain the feeling that came over me… I would never wish that feeling on anyone in the world! My husband was squeezing my hand and staring into my eyes, we were both so desperate but completely helpless! All we could do was pray that our sweet baby girl was going to be ok.. And just like that, a nurse popped back into the room holding a bright blue eyed precious little baby! Yep, it’s safe to say from Day One you wanted to make a scene, bend the rules and push it to the limit… but I would do it all again to have the chance to hold you and kiss your face and look into those big blue eyes. It took me a while to fully understand what had taken place. It was the biggest, most life altering event I had ever experienced, and I am not a fan of change. But oh how lucky I am to have experienced such an incredible miracle.. something I never even thought could happen to me. I became a Mama… you see, that’s the thing about God. He always gives us what we need, right when we need it! What a miraculous gift giver He is. I am humbled to be your mama, and I’ve prayed for you and over you every day since the day you were born.
My little love, I have loved every moment with you, but it has been painful and exciting to see the time pass and to see you grow into the beautiful person you’re meant to be. Painful because I want to freeze time and memorize your speech, your tiny fingers, and tiny toes and not so tiny attitude (although I’m sure there’s much more of that to come). I want to remember your funny faces, your laugh, and your love for life. I want the moments of you crying out for me to last forever except for when it’s 2am and all I want to do is sleep. I know this time is too precious. I want time to slow down so that we can hold on to these cherished days forever. But it’s also been exciting, too. Exciting to see you roll over, sit up, then stand. Exciting to see you talk, walk, then run. Exciting to see you ride a tricycle and run through the sprinkler. Exciting to see you eat ice cream and sing while you dance around the house barefoot. Exciting to see you want to read and learn and play and love. I pray for your future and I pray for God to give me the strength I need to teach you how to be a strong, loving little lady. I pray for God to help me show strength when you are pushing every button I have. I pray you will always enjoy the little things in life and appreciate the people God has placed in your path. I pray that your determination will take you farther than I was ever able to go. I vow to pray everyday, that no matter what you grow up to be, that you will love life and love people and through you people will see Christ. Baby girl, from the 1st time I laid eyes on you, I knew that you were made for greatness and I pray that you will never settle for anything less than you deserve.
Its not just the two of us (or the three of us counting daddy) anymore. There’s no doubt in my mind God knew I needed you first to help mold me into the mommy I always needed to be. You did that. From the sleepless nights to the times I couldn’t take my eyes off of you when you finally closed your eyes. From the time when I first heard your little laugh to the time when we were both rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. From the time when you were inconsolable and I had no idea what I was doing to the time when only mommy could make it all better. I have loved you more than all the moon and the stars in the sky. I have prayed more than I ever even knew how to pray. You did that.
Being a mom to you has been the greatest joy of my life. Know that I will love you forever, be there for you always, and always hold onto you with all my might. There might be times when I can’t physically hold you but always know that Jesus can.
No matter how our world changes, you will always be my first and you will always hold a very special place in my heart. You’ll grow up one day, and I’ll have to let you go spread your wings just like God always intended. Until then, I hope the days slow down a bit and promise to soak up every single moment.. but if they don’t, I’ll never forget that you were the one who made me a mom and for that I will always be grateful!
I love you with all my heart and soul,